I made you some free vinegar Valentines - Printable valentine cards

Valentine's day is such a commercial day isn't it? Of course it is. And you're not going to participate in that droll regimen of propagating some store-bought mishmash and mainstream wuvvy-love are you? Nay.

Nay.

You're a self-made human aren't you? Yeah. You don't follow the mainstream marching band, you beat your own drum off into the sunset. What, you don't even use an instrument? That's so metal. Forget all that love hype, you're not going to jack your style with some average cards. That's why you are going to steal mine and give them out like the boss you are.

Your such a boss that you are a boss living on boss street.

So in the spirit of awesomeness (yours and mine) I'm giving away this horrible set of Valentine's Day cards. Here's a sample:

When I was a kid, I couldn't handle any of the Valentine cards out there. They were either just so poorly designed,  worse, they were written by people who lacked a real grasp on that precious thing called reality.

Then I learned about vinegar valentines. They were just the inspiration that an insecure kid like me needed to have. Check out some of these great little dreadful cards here.

I did this to offset the industry-made "love" and "romance' junk that floated in the air like stench of stale waxen chocolate hearts. That and the sad reality that some of the most sarcastic people you'll ever know have emotional centers softer than a jelly doughnut.

Seriously, I'm like an emotional chocolate cherry cordial, people.


Download: Not-so-Valentines.pdf

Tips

• You'll need Adobe Acrobat Reader 8.0 or later. *sigh* get it here.
• Be sure to print this on "Letter" paper, not A4, this is 'Murica.  
• When the print dialog comes up, be sure to set page scaling to none:
  
• Doing this ensures you'll be able to have nice even margins on your cards when you cut the pages in quarters.

Flush away the Paganism

This past holiday season, I received an unprecedented amount of material from a lot of concerned friends, family, and Nigerian statesmen regarding the Pagan roots of many of our seemingly American traditionalist customs.

Christmas trees? Pagan. December 25? Pagan. Lights? That's achin' of Pagan. New Year's Eve. Ragin' Pagan. I have unintentionally celebrated so many Pagan rituals and holidays, I have to wear Snuggies backwards now. Like a robe. Apparently I've become a Level 70 Pagan Druid as a result.

Or these dudes from Star Wars. Also Pagan.

I was appalled. I was even ashamed to see how brazenly we had fallen yet again into the Wily E. Coyote of Pagan plans to ensconce this fine Nation. And to a lesser degree, rob me of my wanting to wear pants around the house. By this point, I was at a fearful precipice. Either I start banning all the Pagan and Devil-consecrated items and holidays currently in my homestead or face a newfound fondness for fresh animal blood and Cradle of Filth. 

This shot is from their acoustic slo-jamz album.

Many of our socially cherished holidays, customs, and even phrases have histrionic origins in Paganism, the occult, and even Filipinos.  As I rifled through the webbernet, Then I discovered one of the most disturbing conspiracies running right under our noses. 

A massive system of Pagan idolatry has been lurking underground, passively accepting our tributes as consent of worship. Monetary systems? Architecture? Governments? Korean rap sensation Psy? Ha! Those are well know demon occupations. No, we gotta hit our Inception button and go deeper.

If you guessed our massive underground sewage system, you are either incredibly perceptive or you where the Snuggie as I do.

Meet Cloacina

Here is the goddess who presided over the Cloaca Maxima ("Great Drain"), the main trunk of the system of sewers in Rome. She was originally derived from Etruscan mythology…As well as controlling sewers, she was also a protector of sexual intercourse in marriage. Despite her Etruscan origins, she later became identified with Venus. ~Wikipedia

That's right, while we worried ourselves away about the pine trees and dyed eggs and certain dates, she was beneath us all this time, making her reign beneath our thrones. And to make matters worse, she cozies up with a Pagan superpower, Venus.

No, not this Venus.

This Venus.

The very toilets, sinks and drains we've been using for years have their very roots in the Pagan and idolatrous societies that we have tried so hard to eschew. They have literally caught us all with our pants down. We have been taught as children to train into the ways of the "Great Drain," to tell our poopy "bye-bye" and wave our leavings behind to the festering sewer netherworld. There was even a open-top temple made on her behalf and it also doubled as the main manhole to the sewer system. And yet, we still have those manholes throughout our cities and some are even in front of our homes. Our very streets are lending themselves to the mini-sanctuaries of this idol. 

You have to admit though, that is one stand-up looking manhole.

Solutions to the other issues were simple. Merely snub one's own cultural upbringings, pull the tree down, and chastise the mainstream for not doing likewise. The power of Facebook share buttons will not help. And It's a little harder when I have to unmount 50 pounds of ceramic and a compromised lower back.

Bring your A-Game, hunchback.

But really, if you, I, or the greater modern Christendom fail to get a move on, we're going to end up in the clutches of yet another demonic conspiracy. It's bad enough we're celebrating on holy days of the Pagan calendar and making our kids eat ceremonial chocolate bunnies. What's more, the word "sewer" isn't even in the King James Version (the only version, right conspirators?) of the bible. We really should not be allowing this abomination into our homes. It's a definitive evil that takes our righteous turds and turns them into compliance with the very godess Venus herself.

Now you are probably ready to debate my logic with "But, Christmas is mingled with Pagan bits and it defiles our pure attempt to have a biblical/Christian holiday which we shouldn't have anyway. This is different  this is about some physical system set up for a society that is long gone for an idol that no one cares about."

A-ha!

Also, A-Ha!

If you're still compelled to believe that using and applying vestiges of old, long gone groups, societies and religions will compel you back into those very things, you need to stop doing a lot more than just the holidays. You'll need to stop making a fire, using bells, saying "bless you" when someone sneezes, and you'll also need to stop pooping.

So for those who are still fearful of having idolatrous trees or dates, read this article here as well as many of their other articles on similar issues regarding this. 

Until then, I think I'm going to keep the water closets in the house.

References:

• http://www.sewerhistory.org/articles/wh_era/cloacina/cloacina.pdf
• http://www.vroma.org/~jruebel/cloacina.html
• http://www.princeton.edu/~achaney/tmve/wiki100k/docs/Cloacina.html
• http://www.gty.org/resources/questions/qa073/should-christians-have-christmas-trees